Talking to Children About Hard Things

I have been asked many times in recent weeks for advice on how to talk to children about all the aggressive immigration enforcement. I think it’s important to start from some foundational principles. Every parent knows their own child the best and what they need to and can hear, but there are some foundational and general principles. My first, overarching general principle: this is hard, and the fact that you’re not sure what to say and do means you’re doing it right.

     1. Reassure them as appropriate (without violating #2 below). Make sure that they can feel safe. If your family is directly impacted by immigration enforcement, create a family safety plan and ensure your children know you have one and what it is. In any case, make sure your children know that you and others are caring for them. As Mr. Rogers taught us so many years ago, look for the helpers. Point out how many people are blowing whistles and sharing love and hope. Remember that hope is an act of resistance.

     2. Be honest while being age-appropriate. You are unlikely to be able to shield your children completely from the bad news. Don’t pretend that you can. I met a young man of probably 6-7 recently at one of our weekly Joy Gatherings who was holding the sign pictured above. He knows what’s happening. You can assure them that they can always talk to you and ask questions if they hear anything that confuses them. You can say something like “Sometimes people in the government do bad things to our friends and neighbors. But not everyone and not all the time.”

     3. Go back to the values you are trying to instill in your children. Assure them that no matter what some people might be doing, we love our neighbors, we take care of them and we show love and kindness. Model it.

     4. Validate their feelings. If they are scared, tell them it’s OK to be scared.

     5. Look for the helpers. Point out the helpers to your children. Talk to them about their teachers and how hard they are working to keep everyone safe. Join one of our community joy gatherings to see how we show love to all our neighbors. They are very child-appropriate gatherings. Fridays from 4-5 at Dundee and Baldwin in Palatine and Saturdays 3:30-4:30 in Rolling Meadows at 2210 Algonquin Road.

The most important message to you as parents or caregivers is this: you’re doing an amazing job in unprecedented times. Show and model love to your children, to your neighbors, and to yourself.